Cheers!

2014....funny, I didn't think I would make it out of 2013 alive....I suppose that's not funny, but it IS honest.

And yet, here I sit, reflecting, like so many other people.
I have made some good choices, and some that I wish I could erase altogether...

I have learned:
-strength comes in the day to day, not the prolonged planning.
-friends are the family I get the JOY of choosing.
-I am stronger than I thought.
-I am STRONGER than I used to be.
-dancing brings out my BEST side.
-obedience IS better than sacrifice.
-kissing my babies gives me STRENGTH to keep going.
-I care less about what people think, and more about what GOD thinks about me.
-the situations "that hold me down" are sometimes the ANCHORS that hold me through the storm.
-perfection is for barbies.
-being a warrior kicks barbies butt ANY day ;)
-singing is where heaven MEETS earth for me.
-being at rest...means actual resting takes place.
-missing my dad will never stop.
-loving my mom NOW is sweet music to my soul.
-memories are worth more than a big bank account.
-sharing helps me breath easier.
-a man that keeps loving my mess is worth the rest of my life LOVING him.
-a little CHEER goes a LONG way....

so.....I want to be a cheerleader of sorts.... To you. To your storms. To your mountain tops. To your pain, and to your fight. To your joy and to your triumph. To it ALL. The "it" is what makes you who you are.

If I could embrace you I would....but for now I say Cheers....to you, and to 2014. May we learn more than we ever thought possible.

I am a Cistern......

i always thought that being a "broken cistern" was a good thing.

that if I was broken...God could pour into me whatever He wanted...and i would naturally, effortlessly...ooze it out, onto those around me.

what if i was wrong? what if i had it all backwards?

what if, being a broken cistern...is allowing holes into my very existence? holes that hurt. holes that pervade my life. holes that begin to ache. holes that i desperately want to be filled....holes that actually cannot retain any of the goodness that God is trying to so hard to pour out? He pours...and I empty.

He pours...and I empty....but not in a good way. And the more holes, the weaker the vessel becomes, and the faster it drains...and the harder it is not to literally BREAK the cistern entirely...

so that's it. that's what i have felt/am feeling. this drain on my soul. this pain in my person. this devastation of being devoid of Him.

He pours...and I empty. 

it has been good for those around me...but it has slowly eaten away at and decimated my heart.

so what comes next?...what is the next move when His love is failing me...b/c i cannot be filled, b/c I cannot hang onto any of it for myself?

"shore up". 

Shore up...it means to "support by placing against something solid or rigid" 

i know of nothing...and no one...MORE SOLID than God Himself. 

with shaky heart, and doubtful hope....and trust issues that would make for a scary story around the campfire...i step out. i bring my broken cistern...and ask for help. i ask for God...to do what i think is impossible. to do what i doubt at times He can...to forgive me for not trusting...and to do what He has always wanted to do...put me back together....

one broken piece at a time....

When the "New" isn't what you expected....

Have you ever traveled to a new place? Scored while playing a new sport? Walked a new hiking trail? Put on a new pair of beautiful shoes? What happened when you took that step....something CHANGED.

Your perspective before the "new" became different after the experience....

So what happens when the "new" isn't welcome? What happens when the "new" isn't what you thought it would be? I will use my life to represent...what happens when the 6th baby isn't happy...at all...ALL the time? What happens when the oldest of 6 gets hurt...BAD...and goes through major surgery?

It's still new....it still shifts my perspective...it's the CHANGE part that grounds down my soul at times. It's precisely then, when I cannot see the good in the new. When my perspective only sees the negative in the experience....

then, finally...I sit back and look through the RIGHT lens....here's what God says.....

Isaiah 43:19 "For I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness. I will create rivers in the dry wasteland."

I have to admit...I don't see it.
The best part is this......HE doesn't WAIT for me to see it...HE JUST DOES what He does so well.

He "makes a path through the wilderness...(of my heart, of my marriage, of my parenting, of my LIFE...)"

He creates RIVERS in the dry wasteland...(of my mind, of my soul, of my existence...)"

So when the change begins, when the new isn't what I thought it would be, or what I thought it SHOULD be...I will let Him have his way....I will let Him do a NEW thing...He gave me His Word......"He has already begun"....

Atlas Shrugged

Atlas shrugged...right?

So why am I crushed under this brute of a burden...this test, this trial? Why can't I let go?

It has been said that there's beauty in the broken...then I must be nearly gorgeous by now...I say that with laughter falling out of my mouth and a tear running down my cheek. I'm hurting and I'm pushing and I'm fighting with all that I have...just to walk, to hold, to MAKE it. Listing out my life no longer helps. It doesn't ease the stresses of this season. Let's be honest...this valley that I am in.

I post this because there are those that are in this with me. There are those that have been WORKING like a BOSS to fire their own hell. They've tried to pass it onto God, and it keeps coming back...

HE is faithful...but what happens when we're not? When our spouse is not, our family is not, our surroundings are not? To be honest, which is hard sometimes...especially times like this....how do you hang on, when God has GOT YOU...but life, and people, have got it OUT for you?

I am tired of hiding scars...these are things that others can read and walk away from feeling KNOWN...at least that's what I hope for. This song says it best:

Praise God we don't have to hide scars
They just strengthen our wounds, and soften our hearts.
They remind us of where we have been, but not who we are
So praise God, praise God we don't have to hide scars

and the song adds..."yeah we know HIS are covering ours..."-Johnny Diaz

I know that God will carry me...drag me...love me, until I believe that it ALL works out for His good will...

If you're walking with me, be of good courage, you aren't doing it alone....God's right here and so am I.

In my storm, and in the darkness....I can still sing....

I sit here and I hurt...wanting to cry through everything that's been going on lately...and I read:

"Giving thanks is only this: making the canyon of pain into a megaphone to proclaim the ultimate goodness of God. Our thanks to God is a witness to the goodness of God when Satan and all the world would sneer at us to recant. That which I refuse to thank Christ for, I refuse to believe that God can redeem."-Ann Voskamp

I've felt it...am feeling it. This drain of pain...and for someone as strong as I am...it takes me to my breaking point.

I've been called many things lately, hypocrite...fake...and deeper more painful cuts than even I can verbalize here. They're all true...I am all those things and more. But what do I do with these struggles? Do I face them with hope...or do I handle them with fear and bitterness? Say it with me..."that which I refuse to thank Christ for, I refuse to believe that God can redeem..."

It tears at my soul. So many pinpricks of self doubt. Self hatred over the years...as I've been the one that has lost, has hurt, has pressed into Him...has fallen...has gotten back up....

I'm realizing that even in my darkness...I can still sing....

It all comes down to the fact that...if my life, as dirty and discarded as it may seem...can cause one person...ONE SOUL to grow. To hope. To stand. To hollow themselves till all they're filled with is God's overwhelming love...if it can do that...then it was all worth it. Then I can hope...then I can carry on...then I can smile through the pain and MEAN every step that my feet take up and over this mountain...winding and wounded out of this valley....

Then, I can stand...but only to give thanks in the middle of my storm. Only to cling to the ONE that makes the thunder and the lightening...only to grasp the hem of His lovely garment...only to do that....then I can stand.

On the one year anniversary of my dad passing away...I thought I would share something very personal, the Eulogy I wrote for him, and gave in front of my closest family and friends that somber day March 6th 2012.


Dear Dad,
I wanted to tell you all the things I should have said...all the things I wanted to say, all the things that are stored up in my heart...so I think I will. I'll try to honor you as best I can, and I'll try to tell you just how special you are and always will be to me.
For much of my life you were far away, and I thought...what if I can't remember anything good from my childhood...but as I searched, the memories started flooding back...
I remember the night you were playing 2 chess games at once...one against Keith, one against Imrich, and a game of checkers with me. I vividly remember not even knowing exactly what checkers were...but thinking that if they were able to "jump" then I was in! I watched you as you took a handicap to each of the boys...a bishop to one, and a castle to the other...then the games were on and they were furious. You would watch their turns...critique them, then take your own. You licked us all, that's when I began to realize you were a genius.
I remember going swimming in the Kankakee. It was totally dangerous and unbelievably fun...just like you. Getting there with Sirius the dog by your side in that beast of a red van...those are memories that are etched into my head.
Or what about when you would come for a visit and Imrich and I got to sneak into the living room where you were sleeping? You would sit up with us for hours...telling us all the Slovak Fairytales that you could remember....The "Strong Men" Lomedrevel, Vallebook, and Mesejelezzo...and that little thief Lochtebrada! The tales of these strong men storming their castles for bronze, silver, and gold...I will always remember. Or the dog named Bodrick who defended his sheep...almost to his own death. Your storytelling was legendary.
I could go on and on.
It wasn't perfect....I don't think any parents are, but the more I thought about it....the more I saw...you were there in your own way...making an impact on who I was, and who I would become. I wanted to say thank you.
Fast forward to being a young adult into the teen years. You inspired dedication and excellence. You expected the best out of me, and for that you have taught me strong determination and drive...I wanted to say thank you. 
Onto now...the best years of our relationship by far. Your words towards me were always kind. You loved my house, my job, my husband...and you adored my babies. You were always quick to tell me I needed more...even after 5.
I remember you coming to visit Tom and I...we took you down to the Lake, just to see it...and before I could say...."wait dad, this isn't our land, let's head back up to the house"...your shoes were off, socks stripped, and you were wading on in, pants rolled to the knees. My kids looked on in awe and giggled..is that okay? they asked....and can we go too? You're the whole reason I forged a relationship with the wonderful neighbor we have by the Lake. She now loves to have my kids come down to swim...and they splash and play...just like you did that day.
I remember you coming to the girls gymnastics meets and giving them so many compliments they were beaming! Going to Burger King for a meal after the meet..Tom took Zaiah to the potty and came back to ask...where is Grandpa? Eva said...Oh, he's up in the playplace climbling around. That was at 89 years old for you. Priceless.
Each of my children, and each of your grandchildren were a treasure to you. A jewel in the crown of your life. Thank you for that.
There are so many wonderful things I could say about you. Your escape from the prisoner of war camp, your traveling the world, your wise choice of mom as your wife...so many things to touch upon....but you know what I started to realize was your greatest asset? Your confidence. You KNEW who you were. You LIKED who you were. You wanted to get better, and worked towards that...but there was a settled peace to you as you were happy with your life. Did you have regrets? I'm sure you did...as we all do. But you were determined to move forward....to run the race of your life the best way you could. You were confident in who God made you to be. Thank you for that.
Memories are great, and accolades are good to give, but what do I really want to say to you? What is my heart crying out to express? I miss you already...does that make sense? I miss your hugs where you would squeeze me and beat my back...I miss your accent, and the way you said my name...Vinchka....I miss saying Dobra Notts a Peknisknee to each other as we would go to bed...I miss your singing and your bravado when you met new people...I miss you. I miss your twinkling ice blue eyes...and the way they had mischief written all over them...I miss the way you precariously held my babies...the way you snuck them candy...the way you got excited about EACH of their futures...no matter where they were going....I miss you....but somewhere as I ache...and I let go...I realize the gift that you have left.
Somehow the memories ARE great...and the accolades ARE good to give. You left a heritage to us. A trove of inspiration, a collage of confidence, a bounty of beauty. You lived simply, humbly, and nobly. You loved life...and lived it to the fullest that you possibly could. You overcame obstacles, delivered dedication, and conquered challenges. You were imperfect, but perfectly loved.
I do miss you, I will always miss you...but I will hang onto who you were, and the wealth of memories you left behind. Out of it all...I wanted to say...thank you dad. Thank you for being my dad...thank you for loving me...thank you.

I will forever remember you, in loving memory...

Imrich Henry Kuric June 20th, 1921 to March 6th, 2012

Are you "well" known?

To be known....I think it's what every person longs for. To be loved...it drives us, sends us looking for that fulfillment, from someone...somewhere.

Good News: if you have true friends...your heart has somewhere to hide. The love of God runs deeper than this...yet I want to say thank you to those that are walking this burdened earth with me...living out life...and loving the things that I love, walking arm in arm through the chaos of it all.

C.S. Lewis said: "Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art....it has no survival value; rather it is one of those things which give value to survival."

Sometimes I feel like I am merely surviving...but then there are those friends, few and far between that KNOW me. They know me WELL. They know my quirks and they actually enjoy them.

They know that I
-am deeply passionate, contrary to my smiles and happy attitude...I can and will defend a person/subject that I care about....unashamedly
-have a bit of ADD when I talk, but I eventually get to the point
-LOVE to dance! Dancing is one of the foundations of who I am....that I will dance whenever, wherever...and ache if i don't get to
-need music, it soothes my soul...no matter where I am, it can change my attitude in a moments notice
-sing...everywhere and anywhere...almost constantly, and without apology ;)
-adore all things artistic. Poetry...paintings...meet a point in my heart where other things cannot
-need to read, reading a good book brings me peace and activates my brain...preferably sci fi, but non-fiction has its own enlightenment to offer as well

Those things I just said...there are those that read the list, and nodded. Smiled. Actually missed seeing some of that displayed b/c of geographic distance...and/or busyness in our lives. THOSE people...they give "value to MY survival".

To be known...WELL known...is highly underrated. Thank you to my friends. Thank you for loving me. The gift of YOU is priceless in my world.