In my storm, and in the darkness....I can still sing....

I sit here and I hurt...wanting to cry through everything that's been going on lately...and I read:

"Giving thanks is only this: making the canyon of pain into a megaphone to proclaim the ultimate goodness of God. Our thanks to God is a witness to the goodness of God when Satan and all the world would sneer at us to recant. That which I refuse to thank Christ for, I refuse to believe that God can redeem."-Ann Voskamp

I've felt it...am feeling it. This drain of pain...and for someone as strong as I am...it takes me to my breaking point.

I've been called many things lately, hypocrite...fake...and deeper more painful cuts than even I can verbalize here. They're all true...I am all those things and more. But what do I do with these struggles? Do I face them with hope...or do I handle them with fear and bitterness? Say it with me..."that which I refuse to thank Christ for, I refuse to believe that God can redeem..."

It tears at my soul. So many pinpricks of self doubt. Self hatred over the years...as I've been the one that has lost, has hurt, has pressed into Him...has fallen...has gotten back up....

I'm realizing that even in my darkness...I can still sing....

It all comes down to the fact that...if my life, as dirty and discarded as it may seem...can cause one person...ONE SOUL to grow. To hope. To stand. To hollow themselves till all they're filled with is God's overwhelming love...if it can do that...then it was all worth it. Then I can hope...then I can carry on...then I can smile through the pain and MEAN every step that my feet take up and over this mountain...winding and wounded out of this valley....

Then, I can stand...but only to give thanks in the middle of my storm. Only to cling to the ONE that makes the thunder and the lightening...only to grasp the hem of His lovely garment...only to do that....then I can stand.