To understand me...is to understand comic books. Does that sound funny? Not to someone that waited..with baited breath, to get their next comic book. Every Sunday afternoon....with mom and Imrich, from Hook's drugstore, downtown North Judson, IN.

One of my heroes is unlikely.....Phoenix. She was Jean Grey at her worst...hideous and fierce, with powers unmatched. I wanted to BE her, I think b/c she was unstoppable, unflappable, she was out of control, but in control of everyone around her. I sometimes resembled her...my fierce anger, temper, out of control behavior. I flirted with her as my "alter ego". That side of me that was rebellious in nature.

Yet...I wanted to be so different. I didn't want to cling to something or someone so...mean. So...out of touch with her surroundings.

I didn't know how to do that though...until tonight.

As I was running, I was thinking about "Phoenix" and how I had always fallen back on my anger. My frustrations were allowed to mold me more than I wanted them to. I started to think maybe..I was looking at the wrong Phoenix. Maybe, just maybe I was the bird.

If I could allow my anger to go up in flames...it might burn out all that was wrong in the first place...help me to start out in ashes...rather than always hanging onto the smoldering kindling. If I could stop rolling around in the ash, breathing in the toxins...but RISE UP...maybe, just maybe I would be a peaceful bird.

I wouldn't have to be in control. I wouldn't have to be angry. I could just be...made new. I like that. I like this feeling. It hurts for the moment...but I'm looking forward to "rising up out of the ash..." I am going to look forward to my new wings......

Failing....

What do you do when you feel like a failure?

Maybe it was yelling at the kids...maybe it was not cooking dinner right...maybe it was epic...

So what do you do?
I retreat.
I find myself, telling myself, that it isn't worth the hassle.
I find myself completely overwhelmed.
I find myself clawing at the notion that I can make it out and away from these emotions.
I find myself quite incapacitated by it all.

This is what I know I NEED to do.

I need a "Mary Moment".
Time to sit in the sunshine and shake off the cobwebs in my mind.
I need to quiet the chaos that surrounds me.
I need to feel that my heart is protected by THE Protector.
I need to feel Him wipe away the ache of my soul.

So that is where I am, for now...at this moment.
Tyring to realize that we are NOT at all perfect.
That my failings are exactly that, and no more.
That forgiveness is as far as the East is from the West.
That life will go on.

Epic failure or not, He created me.
and in the wonderful words stated long ago from a beautiful child....
"God don't make no junk"

Missing Them Already

This has always been a place of transparency and I'm not going to change that now...many people don't realize that I have felt the "sting" of being a single parent. When I go to speaking engagements and share my life story, I explain in full detail how that came to be.

I don't visit those emotions, as God has healed me of them, but I can feel the enemy knocking on my door, trying to drop off a delivery of that same fear and ache. In hours my husband and oldest son will be leaving to go on their first missions trip! Exciting?...you have NO idea!! Daunting?...I am finding out my answer would be yes...

I know that the single parenting from my past, will look NOTHING like my single parenting for the next 11 days. Then, I had one child, now I will have the remaining four to take care of... do I have what it takes? Can I handle this?

Simply: No

Those that know me, know the strong woman that God has made me into. They also know that I have wrestled with the fact that I am NOT strong enough on my own...I can't do it, I don't have what it takes, and honestly, I don't want to.

God has shown me that truly, in my weakness,  He power presses the weight of my own insecurities and doubts. That's exaclty where he pummels my fears and squeezes my aches to death. He moves and He flows through me, and allows me to smile when I think about this distance and time...

I might miss them already, but I will NOT miss out on the golden moments He is bringing my way :)

Challenge

I am beyond challenged...and now I am trying to figure out what to do with the gauntlet that was thrown down...
When I am faced with thinking I am right, and then being told that I am wrong...there has to be some "looking inward" that takes place. Am I leading the way I should? Are my actions held to a higher level..or have I fallen into the ditches of justification?

In my case, that's exactly when I start to look up...

Here is what matters, REALLY matters in life...am I doing what is right in the sight of God? Am I making Him happy by what I do? It's all pointless if I cannot say yes to these questions..

I think the process of finding out the answer is the hardest part. I will though, and I will move forward with Him by my side...

It has been FAR too long since I have posted something!  A New Year is upon us and with that come many changes....

New Years resolutions anyone?

My resolutions normally come in the form of something I am doing...that I want to do better. Health...parenting...loving...etc.
One thing I want to do is draw closer to the heart of God.

For those that know me...you can attest to the fact that control, and having it in my life, has always been a struggle. Let's just be REAL and say that I am slightly OCD ;) God has a way of wearing the rough edges off of us, and that's one he has been rubbing for a while! I am trying this year to trust Him right where I am at...believing in the life verse he gave me in junior high, and has repeatedly sent my way in crucial times ever since...

Jeremiah 29:11
¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. "

So there it is...in amongst the other resolutions to NOT eat EVERY blessed sugary thing in my path!!
Tomorrow I will post about Fasting, and why this is a HUGE passion of mine...and how it is helping me to achieve that closeness I crave!!

Sucker Punch

Have you ever been sucker punched? It's when someone comes up to you and out of NOWHERE..hits you, smack dab in the face.

I feel like I just had that happen. Something that my husband and I planned on, worked for, and made extensive efforts towards...just fell apart. I won't get into the details, but I am quite sad. If I'm honest, I have cried repeatedly.

I am trying to figure it out. Why didn't it go through, what did we do wrong, what could we have done differently? The ultimate question...why God? I sit and I ruminate about it all, to the point of a healthy headache...and finally something in me says "stop".

Somewhere, some how, I have to come to the decision that it isn't FOR me to know. I have to "flip the faith switch" and let it go. I have to rely upon the promises that God has made abundantly clear to me....
1.He's crazy in love with me...
2.He wants what is best for me...
3.His plan is bigger than I can imagine...
4.His ways are higher than what I can see and understand at this point...
5.He will take what looks bad and turn it into something good...
6.He's crazy in love with me...

That last point(and actually the first as well)are hard for me to take in. If He loves me, why do things keep failing in front of my eyes. If He loves me, why does He allow all these trials to pile up on my plate?

Flippin' the faith switch again...

I need to let God be God. I need to realize that I can't earn the blessing. He will bring the breakthrough in His way. I need to rest in His arms like my newborn son rests in mine. I might cry it out, but His arms are there embracing me. I might not see it, but I can walk by FAITH, not by sight. I choose to rest. I choose Him over the "how", the "why" and the "when".

I choose Him.

Wielding Steel

I remember growing up...wanting badly to be bigger like my sister and brothers...

My older brother Keith(11 years my senior), my sister Corrine(10 years older), and my brother Imrich(preceding me by 4 years), all were the coolest cats in our small town of North Judson. On good days they would let me play with them, and on great days, with their friends. We had fun playing war and multiple games that helped to construct the future tomboy I was meant to be. One game that Imrich and I enjoyed encompassed swords...normally long sticks from our friendly trees. I couldn't quite beat him, but I always gave him a run for his money. I pretended that I held a mighty sword, not much different than the one found in the classic Disney movie "Sword in the Stone". Every clack of wood, was a shining chink of metal in my ears....I was one BAD Samurai.

Suffice to say that my love for swordplay began at an early age.

Strange to think that now, my version of fighting has changed. It can relate to marriage(and I have had my fair share in that arena)parenting.....working. You name it, I have fought for and through it. Just living is enough to bring on the battle. I fight long and hard for what I believe in. I slice and dice my foes as quickly as possible. Instead of a burly brother, I now face fear, insecurity, anger, and numerous other things that the enemy of my heart brings on.

When my sword is dull, I lose. Sharp and ready, I win. It's as easy as that....I long to Wield Steel that defeats.

For those of you that know me, you know I am talking about the Word of God. Here is what I know to be truth:
Hebrews 4:12
"For the word of God is alive and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart." This is why I named this blog Wielding Steel, this is what I want. To be better, fight harder, last longer in the battle of life, and one day, stand with my hands held high, arms open wide in victory. One day.....until then, I will walk it out right here. I LOVE transparency, I think it is the key to true relationship, and to true growth. I hope that being real will help to bring about true clarity in my own life, and maybe yours too :)