White Noise

Clanging and clashing cymbals...in a song, they can add great emphasis, and make a poignant point.....but if you don't know how to use them...or even when...they can simply bring forth noise.

I don't want to make noise anymore. I want to create a symphony....the only way to do that is to love me LESS.

To make it LESS about how my kids, my husband, my friends love me...and make it more about how much I love HIM.

if I do it in that order...beginning with HIS unconditional love for me...and my love for HIM right back...it actually develops a beautiful song...one that creates the notes that eventually become a true masterpiece contained within those relationships.....wife, mother and friend.

if I can put my focus on HIM, the only One that matters...it brings all other connections to LIFE...real LIFE.

That focus...takes my mortal 2 dimensional love into the 3 dimensional landscape it was always meant to portray. It takes the black and white picture of life and splashes it with vivid colors...

don't get me wrong...it is a vicious struggle between spirit and flesh....

I can justify all day long, telling myself that "if only" circumstances would change, and I were to be treated right...if ONLY I was loved right by this person or that...how much grander life could be....

but that's only surface level. So long as I sit here and allow the circumstances of life and things of this realm to affect my FOCUS on HIM...this world will always be in my way.

I'm human...and I fail. Those that surround me are human...and they fail too. Disappointment will always schedule its way into our failed existence.

but GOD...and the reality is....but CHOICE...my choice to focus on HIM....and make it less about me.

I'm tired of clanging and clashing...I'm tired of white noise...I want to hear the music that HE sings over me...and then I sing back to HIM.

It's the only way that works.

Focused at His Feet......

My heart is abstract...a dreamer by nature...and my mind...concrete, always existing in the here and now...

When an event forces these two to meet....it's like fire and ice...

My mind tells me all the ways in which planning my life is perfect, even rational sense.....divergently my heart tells me to ache for all the possibilities, ride the wind of chance.

This mashed-up mediation of meditation wears me out.

Somehow, I have to align these two opposing forces...as they both want their OWN proposals towards life.

I have to realize that when the carpet of control gets ripped out from underneath...by circumstances unaware, that my concrete thinking intellect and abstract oriented soul will have to wade through the waters of compromise...together.

Muddling in the middle is never easy, and that's where faith steps in.

That's where FAITH tells my mind that planning, though helpful...doesn't bring about true peace.
That's where FAITH tells my longing heart that dreams can come true, but when they don't....life won't magically lose it's flavor.

I must forget the rationale and reflection that are weights around this existing...this being....

I need the source. I need to focus on FAITH....to set my seat at the Feet of the one that doesn't change like the shifting sand I try to grasp with heart and head.......He and only HE is focus worthy. He and only HE brings peace....

The only way I will face this life with spirit and resilience...is by spending time with the one who knows the perfect place for my heart and mind to converge....that's where the abstract and the concrete meet...that's where losing control is okay...that's where I will be.

Focused at His Feet......

Fear is my Bull

I watched a rodeo recently. Cowboys dripped with enthusiasm, strength, and vigor.

the bull was covered in crazy.....

Intensely I watched them hold on for dear life...knowing falling was uncertain pain, and likely injury.
So they rode crazy...to prevent pain. They rode crazy, because it's what they do, it's what they know.

My bull has a name: Fear......I tire of his spins and grow sick from his wicked gyrations.....

My bones ache weary from trying to stay on, trying to fight to make life work...trying to avoid injury by embracing anxiety and dread.

Fear is the enemy. It's one of many that I face on a daily basis. It tears at my confidence in the God of the universe...it defies and mutilates my peace.

This rodeo comes with a choice.

I believe courage comes from leaving that beast of burden alone.

Right now bravery smells like untainted air...and I want to take a DEEP breath.

Some say I'm weak, I tip my hat to them and step out of the ring.

2Corinthians 12:10...."For when I am weak, then I am strong."

Milk...It does a body good?

Have you ever grabbed a gallon of milk, poured some fresh coldness into a big cup, sat down in your favorite spot, tipped the cup back...and....BLECH, SOUR MILK! The taste is so horrendous that you run to the nearest sink and spit it out?

I've done that before.

Actually, I've spewed a little sour milk in my day.....but it was the verbal kind. I thought I could handle things, thought that I could sit down and get comfortable, only to realize that what was in my "cup" didn't taste like it appeared. It was downright disgusting.

Have you ever done that?

I sometimes think where our greatest talents lie, there also can be our greatest failures. Messes. Sour-ness.

I'm a verbal person. For those that know me, they just rolled their eyes as that's quite the understatement. Yet, with that gift...my tongue can bring about life or death.....Proverbs 18:21 "The tongue has the power of life and death and those who love it will eat it's fruit."

So, with knowing that, if I take it literally...then when I face the challenges I face...I need to visualize myself taking a big whopping SWIG of that sour milk...every time I yell, take someone apart verbally, curse, throw out insults...and I need to remember that if I drink that junk all day long...eventually I will die.

That's only half of the impact that this situation holds. The other half is the filth that I am POURING OUT on other people.

Every time I take that cup...I have a choice.

I have failed miserably. I have been wretched, and caused others to wretch because of my words...I no longer want to do that. I want to refresh, to be the choice drink in God's chalice, if you will. I want to be the same on the inside of the gallon as I am on the outside.

I choose life.

A Fragrance...

Have you ever been walking somewhere...when all of a sudden you smell something, the fragrance of lilacs; the aroma of sizzling bacon; the bouquet of a fine wine; the perfume of roses; the redolence of fresh coffee; the scent of newly mown hay...and it smells like...

home....
an old boyfriend/girlfriend...
a walk in the leaves...
a holiday that you love...

It's amazing what a simple smell can do to our senses...

I want to be a fragrance to God. I want Him to literally "smell" me as I walk around. That sounds funny doesn't it? It's truth though, I want to be so close to Him that every move I make...and everywhere that I go...HIS presence lingers...

I want HIS aroma, brought in by me physically...to fill a room without ever having to say a word. I want people to take a deep breath when their around me and FEEL refreshed from the purity of the air....

I'm not there yet. Actually...I think there is "air restoration" where I'm concerned...but I am trying. My heart is there, my soul is there...I just need to have my actions follow.

2Corinthians 2:15 says..."For we are a fragrance of Christ to God among those who are being saved and among those who are perishing;"

I want to be a smell that draws people to Him.....without God...my stench will be lingering...with God...I will be a sweet aroma to those around me. I want the breaking of my alabaster box to be the richest perfume imaginable....help me Lord.

Finally.......victory!

It finally happened....

-I drew a line in the sand
-I said no to the past becoming the present
-I took out the "I think I can" and replaced it with "I will"
-I pulled the trigger on the decision

I did it....

If you've ever suffered through a portion of your life, only to come out on the other side...you know the LIBERTY that you can feel.

I put a flag on my piece of freedom....I will NOT let the enemy take it back...and I hang onto the truth that God poured out on my soul and my situation...

Deuteronomy 20:4(NIV)

^{4 "}For the Lord your God is the one who goes with you to fight for you against your enemies to give you victory.”

I will not let go, I will not give up, give in, or relent...it's go time, and I am ALL IN!

Thanks God for this victory...I owe it all to You!

He SINGS for me.....

LOVE...love the depth of this verse...so much to process through...

Zephaniah 3:17
"The Lord your God is with you,
    the Mighty Warrior who saves.
He will take great delight in you;
    in his love he will no longer rebuke you,
    but will rejoice over you with singing.”

He is with me.
When I have felt ever so far away from Him...His heart and His grace...He has been wooing me into a warm embrace....

He IS my...yes MY Mighty Warrior.
He FIGHTS for me...not just fights...He SLAYS for me...the enemy that rushes in with hungry jaws wide open, is cut to the quick by His strong arm of battle...

He DELIGHTS in me.
Like when I held my babies...I looked at them and every move that they made...every noise that ushered from their lips, every facial expression...I DELIGHTED in it...so He does with me...His child....

He doesn't hold my screw-ups against me.
I will never be good enough. I will never be perfect. I will never get to that place where I stop sinning and hanging my head in shame...but there He sits. With a basin of "CLEAN" to pour all over me...He washes me, holds me close, and sends me back out into the world. He doesn't remember that which He has so graciously forgiven.....

He REJOICES over me...with SINGING.
Then, as if all that were not enough...He SINGS over me...not just sings...He sings with a SMILE...from ear to ear...from soul to soul...from heart to heart...he REJOICES over me, and sings.

Wow. I am amazed. Totally amazed at how good He is. He sings for me.



This makes my heart whole, this makes my heart happy...this seals my soul with goodness.

Get it Straight....

Have you ever noticed how crooked things look? Just walking past a shelf at my local grocery store is enough to drive me mad..I will admit, it's that type A personality coming through...and a longing for things to be "right".

I want my life to echo what my heart speaks...but many times what comes out is a poor reflection of how I feel...how I REALLY feel.
-when I yell at the kiddos...that's a far cry from my heart that wants to nurture them...
-when I get impatient with the car in front of me...that's a far cry from my heart that appreciates someone who takes their time...
-when I growl at my husband to do what I've asked...that's a far cry from my heart that wants him to feel appreciated....

I want to get it right...get it straight...but I seem to be taking crooked paths. I think I have it, and I gleefully have an AHA!! moment, only to find myself in the wilderness again. I get dizzy with fatigue...and I act like a vagrant with no sense of direction.

I don't want to be here for 40 years.
You've heard it before...the shortest path between two points is a straight line??
I want to get it straight.

God gave me some advice...I plan to take Him at His Word...if I can heed, then allow my heart to follow...this bent and twisted life will come out to meet HIM where He wants me to be....
.
'Do not call to mind the former things, or ponder things of the past. Behold I will do something new, now it will spring forth; Will you not be aware of it? I will even make a roadway in the wilderness, rivers in the desert.'" Isaiah 43:18-19 (NAS)

Worthwhile...or Worthless?

I struggle...I struggle with feeling like I have to make my life "work"...like I have to be Supermom, Superwife, Super...everything...and I have to be honest, I am a walking failure.

Now before you think my self-esteem is set on low...I happen to like myself :) I'm a strong enough person to admit my weaknesses.....to admit them, embrace them, and try to be better the next go round'...

Laying in bed with my 2 year old son, trying to talk him into sleep...and listening to Cory Asbury's song "Mercy"...over and over and over....

"Cory Asbury - Mercy"

Your mercy, it covers your throne like a rainbow, like a rainbow
And here I find myself in the sweetest embrace
with a love that I could never earn
and it’s only in this place
that I am truly safe surrendered to beauty untold
Your mercy it covers me wherever I go
Your kindness it never ends, oh Lord
There’s nothing I could do to change your mind
about me, nothing I could do

Your mercy, it flows from your throne like a river, like a river
And here I find myself in this healing embrace
It’s a love like I have never known
and it’s only in this place
that I am truly safe surrendered to beauty untold
Your mercy it covers me wherever I go
Your kindness it never ends, oh Lord
There’s nothing I could do to change your mind
God, there’s nothing I could do to change your mind, about me
There’s nothing I could do, to keep you from loving me
to keep you from wanting me, Jesus
Your love, it never fails
Your love, it never fails
Your love, it never fails me
Jesus

and I began to think...there's nothing I can do to change His mind...He loves me, and it will never be...He loves me not.

I'm safest when I am in His fortified embrace, when I am swimming in the ocean of His love, and when I hold His hand on my rocky road. I might feel worthless on my own...but I can rest assured I am worthwhile to Him....and that makes all the difference....

To understand me...is to understand comic books. Does that sound funny? Not to someone that waited..with baited breath, to get their next comic book. Every Sunday afternoon....with mom and Imrich, from Hook's drugstore, downtown North Judson, IN.

One of my heroes is unlikely.....Phoenix. She was Jean Grey at her worst...hideous and fierce, with powers unmatched. I wanted to BE her, I think b/c she was unstoppable, unflappable, she was out of control, but in control of everyone around her. I sometimes resembled her...my fierce anger, temper, out of control behavior. I flirted with her as my "alter ego". That side of me that was rebellious in nature.

Yet...I wanted to be so different. I didn't want to cling to something or someone so...mean. So...out of touch with her surroundings.

I didn't know how to do that though...until tonight.

As I was running, I was thinking about "Phoenix" and how I had always fallen back on my anger. My frustrations were allowed to mold me more than I wanted them to. I started to think maybe..I was looking at the wrong Phoenix. Maybe, just maybe I was the bird.

If I could allow my anger to go up in flames...it might burn out all that was wrong in the first place...help me to start out in ashes...rather than always hanging onto the smoldering kindling. If I could stop rolling around in the ash, breathing in the toxins...but RISE UP...maybe, just maybe I would be a peaceful bird.

I wouldn't have to be in control. I wouldn't have to be angry. I could just be...made new. I like that. I like this feeling. It hurts for the moment...but I'm looking forward to "rising up out of the ash..." I am going to look forward to my new wings......