I am a Cistern......

i always thought that being a "broken cistern" was a good thing.

that if I was broken...God could pour into me whatever He wanted...and i would naturally, effortlessly...ooze it out, onto those around me.

what if i was wrong? what if i had it all backwards?

what if, being a broken cistern...is allowing holes into my very existence? holes that hurt. holes that pervade my life. holes that begin to ache. holes that i desperately want to be filled....holes that actually cannot retain any of the goodness that God is trying to so hard to pour out? He pours...and I empty.

He pours...and I empty....but not in a good way. And the more holes, the weaker the vessel becomes, and the faster it drains...and the harder it is not to literally BREAK the cistern entirely...

so that's it. that's what i have felt/am feeling. this drain on my soul. this pain in my person. this devastation of being devoid of Him.

He pours...and I empty. 

it has been good for those around me...but it has slowly eaten away at and decimated my heart.

so what comes next?...what is the next move when His love is failing me...b/c i cannot be filled, b/c I cannot hang onto any of it for myself?

"shore up". 

Shore up...it means to "support by placing against something solid or rigid" 

i know of nothing...and no one...MORE SOLID than God Himself. 

with shaky heart, and doubtful hope....and trust issues that would make for a scary story around the campfire...i step out. i bring my broken cistern...and ask for help. i ask for God...to do what i think is impossible. to do what i doubt at times He can...to forgive me for not trusting...and to do what He has always wanted to do...put me back together....

one broken piece at a time....

When the "New" isn't what you expected....

Have you ever traveled to a new place? Scored while playing a new sport? Walked a new hiking trail? Put on a new pair of beautiful shoes? What happened when you took that step....something CHANGED.

Your perspective before the "new" became different after the experience....

So what happens when the "new" isn't welcome? What happens when the "new" isn't what you thought it would be? I will use my life to represent...what happens when the 6th baby isn't happy...at all...ALL the time? What happens when the oldest of 6 gets hurt...BAD...and goes through major surgery?

It's still new....it still shifts my perspective...it's the CHANGE part that grounds down my soul at times. It's precisely then, when I cannot see the good in the new. When my perspective only sees the negative in the experience....

then, finally...I sit back and look through the RIGHT lens....here's what God says.....

Isaiah 43:19 "For I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness. I will create rivers in the dry wasteland."

I have to admit...I don't see it.
The best part is this......HE doesn't WAIT for me to see it...HE JUST DOES what He does so well.

He "makes a path through the wilderness...(of my heart, of my marriage, of my parenting, of my LIFE...)"

He creates RIVERS in the dry wasteland...(of my mind, of my soul, of my existence...)"

So when the change begins, when the new isn't what I thought it would be, or what I thought it SHOULD be...I will let Him have his way....I will let Him do a NEW thing...He gave me His Word......"He has already begun"....