Failing....

What do you do when you feel like a failure?

Maybe it was yelling at the kids...maybe it was not cooking dinner right...maybe it was epic...

So what do you do?
I retreat.
I find myself, telling myself, that it isn't worth the hassle.
I find myself completely overwhelmed.
I find myself clawing at the notion that I can make it out and away from these emotions.
I find myself quite incapacitated by it all.

This is what I know I NEED to do.

I need a "Mary Moment".
Time to sit in the sunshine and shake off the cobwebs in my mind.
I need to quiet the chaos that surrounds me.
I need to feel that my heart is protected by THE Protector.
I need to feel Him wipe away the ache of my soul.

So that is where I am, for now...at this moment.
Tyring to realize that we are NOT at all perfect.
That my failings are exactly that, and no more.
That forgiveness is as far as the East is from the West.
That life will go on.

Epic failure or not, He created me.
and in the wonderful words stated long ago from a beautiful child....
"God don't make no junk"

Missing Them Already

This has always been a place of transparency and I'm not going to change that now...many people don't realize that I have felt the "sting" of being a single parent. When I go to speaking engagements and share my life story, I explain in full detail how that came to be.

I don't visit those emotions, as God has healed me of them, but I can feel the enemy knocking on my door, trying to drop off a delivery of that same fear and ache. In hours my husband and oldest son will be leaving to go on their first missions trip! Exciting?...you have NO idea!! Daunting?...I am finding out my answer would be yes...

I know that the single parenting from my past, will look NOTHING like my single parenting for the next 11 days. Then, I had one child, now I will have the remaining four to take care of... do I have what it takes? Can I handle this?

Simply: No

Those that know me, know the strong woman that God has made me into. They also know that I have wrestled with the fact that I am NOT strong enough on my own...I can't do it, I don't have what it takes, and honestly, I don't want to.

God has shown me that truly, in my weakness,  He power presses the weight of my own insecurities and doubts. That's exaclty where he pummels my fears and squeezes my aches to death. He moves and He flows through me, and allows me to smile when I think about this distance and time...

I might miss them already, but I will NOT miss out on the golden moments He is bringing my way :)

Challenge

I am beyond challenged...and now I am trying to figure out what to do with the gauntlet that was thrown down...
When I am faced with thinking I am right, and then being told that I am wrong...there has to be some "looking inward" that takes place. Am I leading the way I should? Are my actions held to a higher level..or have I fallen into the ditches of justification?

In my case, that's exactly when I start to look up...

Here is what matters, REALLY matters in life...am I doing what is right in the sight of God? Am I making Him happy by what I do? It's all pointless if I cannot say yes to these questions..

I think the process of finding out the answer is the hardest part. I will though, and I will move forward with Him by my side...

It has been FAR too long since I have posted something!  A New Year is upon us and with that come many changes....

New Years resolutions anyone?

My resolutions normally come in the form of something I am doing...that I want to do better. Health...parenting...loving...etc.
One thing I want to do is draw closer to the heart of God.

For those that know me...you can attest to the fact that control, and having it in my life, has always been a struggle. Let's just be REAL and say that I am slightly OCD ;) God has a way of wearing the rough edges off of us, and that's one he has been rubbing for a while! I am trying this year to trust Him right where I am at...believing in the life verse he gave me in junior high, and has repeatedly sent my way in crucial times ever since...

Jeremiah 29:11
¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. "

So there it is...in amongst the other resolutions to NOT eat EVERY blessed sugary thing in my path!!
Tomorrow I will post about Fasting, and why this is a HUGE passion of mine...and how it is helping me to achieve that closeness I crave!!